Noel Gallagher has quit Oasis! Hurrah! Okay, I know there'll be thousands of people across the country, and possibly the globe, who will mourn the loss of who is considered to be an icon of Britpop from the band who came to outlive the genre. But not me. Personally, this couldn't have come soon enough!
Enough gloating though, let's analyse Noel's statement of why he left the band and try and get through the enigma code:
"The details are not important and of too great a number to list": Doesn't this just scream "I just couldn't be bothered any more"? Surely the man would have the decency and respect to turn around to his fans and at least generally highlight some of the reasons why? You know, apart from the whole violence thing which isn't too hard to believe anyway.
"To get me cape and seek pastures new": Any statement like this should be somewhat heartfelt and surely not be comedic. If the reasons are that serious then surely a level of sincerity should be employed during this statement? No, Noel has decided to revert to the grammatically-incorrect vernacular and make a joke of the whole thing. Cape? Who does he think he is, Superman?
"I'd like to say sorry to the good people of V Festival.... it was nothing to do with me": deflecting the blame in this sort of situation is very childish and immature (okay they mean the same thing but I wanted to make the point twice). The suggestion is that it's something to do with Liam but if Noel is blameless, how did he end up in this situation and why is he personally apologizing, and not saying that the whole band at the time were regretful? As the old saying goes, there is no smoke without a fire. Or some cigarette ash.
"It's been a f***** pleasure": Oh dear, what an end. I'm far from being a prude but some things are just a no-no and swearing when you're ending this kind of supposedly serious statement is one of them. Dear me Noel - I do hope the family life and football team will enable you to get some manners or public speaking skills! Actually, don't count on that. Maybe the swearing is meant to be irony and he hated the whole Oasis experience? Somehow I doubt that's entirely true.
This essentially marks the day when Oasis fall apart and mercifully never make any more songs. No-one would ever truly accept an Oasis without Noel or a replacement for him either. But this is probably just as well. Even the songs of their heyday were drawn-out, screechy indulgences. Their best song "Wonderwall" is spoilt by Liam's gravelly, nasally voice. From then it only went downhill. I leave you with the disaster that is "Champagne Supernova". I suppose this was meant to be the point in their career where they went a bit psychedelic like their heroes The Beatles (they always wanted to be them) but instead of turning into a classic, it ended up as a self-indulgent splat on the face of their career. Awful lyrics, it lasts too long and it has one of the most implausible chord changes ever - what more could you not want?
Ah, please do your best not to hurt the screen. But if you're an Oasis fan and have found this entire post insulting and/or ignorant to the fact that Oasis are actually a really great band (tongue in cheek, tongue in cheek) then by all means enjoy: